Expectations

In all my time of making relationships and ending them and losing some and enjoying some really great ones, I think I’ve finally realised the key to being happy in some relationships.

When I say the word relationship, I refer to all of them. I used to be unhappy every time something didn’t go right. If my boyfriend wasn’t boyfriendy enough. If my friend did not make any effort to see me. If I had no one to chill out with because everybody was busy. If I couldn’t see my best friend because his wife gets jealous about us hanging out.

And then I did something that totally saved my life. I stopped expecting stuff from them. I gave up on expecting my boyfriend to call me and I gave up on expecting my friends to make more of an effort. It sounds funny but yeah I stopped making the effort that I go through for them. I had to consciously stop doing and stop expecting.

The funny thing about humanity is that we take people for granted without realising it. And people only realise someone’s worth when that someone isn’t there anymore.

Pulling away and expecting less from people, has saved me so much misery. And its a technique I’d recommend to everyone.

The jokes

So I’ve been invited to attend my first single-sex wedding.

And I have no idea what to bring as a wedding gift or what to wear, for that matter.

I had a look at hampers online and they’ve probably got a slightly wrong connotation to it…

Like a chocolate fondue.

Maybe they’ll get the humour in it.

“No I could never tell you where I’ve been,”

You need not have come to my lair
You do not know who you’ll find in there.
I sink my claws into the snow
For all that you’ve forgot in my passice show

For there’s a corner
Out amongst the white
Where someone is waiting
For you to arrive
And though you’re searching
For what you might never find
He’ll be there waiting
For all of your life.

I could not ignore the call of the night
To return to the haunt you would have me deny
No, I could never tell you where I had been.
For you could never answer them.

But there’s a corner
Out amongst the white
Where someone is waiting
For you to arrive
And the one you’re holding
Is not the one you left behind.
He’ll be there waiting
For all of your life.

And though our coats are all at one with the snow
I could not turn away from all I wish I did not know.

All I wish you had not shown.

Release

It is amazing to see what a relationship can survive these days.

When I was younger, I always thought that I would leave a relationship if my partner cheated on me. I swore that cheating was the worse possible sin ever in a romantic relationship and that I would leave my partner if he ever did that to me.

10 years later into my dating life, I see that it’s not quite as black and white as that. There are lots of shades of grey in morality that people don’t warn you about. And one bad deed could define your entire life of good deeds and kindness.

I also see that love isn’t necessarily the romantic spark that you experience with someone. There is lust and infatuation that makes you lose your head a little. I’ve fallen prey to that many a time. And then there’s the weird kind of love that keeps people together despite being utterly miserable with each other. It is a still a connection that bonds people together. And most of the time people can’t be rid of it because of the sheer volume of good and bad they’ve been through. No one else can ever know them that way.

I wish I could tell my children or anyone really that love is kind, simple, uncomplicated and forgiving. It is all that but it has a dark side to it as well. Twisted, if you like. Sometimes when you love someone so much, you’ve got to let them go for their own happiness. Sometimes people are trapped. Sometimes it’s confusing but something keeps you lingering. You probably will never know what it is.

The love I’ve always looked for was understanding someone and how they work. I am extremely taken when someone understands me quickly. It’s because I feel less alone. It’s nice knowing that there exists someone who thinks just like you and sees the world the way you do, you don’t feel like you’re on your own anymore.

This understanding-kinda-love, it bodes well for the deepest connection you can ever have with a person. If there was one sure thing I could say about love to someone else, it is this: If you get to experience this connection with someone at least once in your life time, count yourself the luckiest person ever. If you get as lucky to be able to make this person your life partner, man you’ve struck gold.

You’re always alone in this world, you are born and die alone. But when you meet the person that makes you realise how truly alone you were before meeting them, then you’ll know you’ve met the one or experienced this depth of love. It is overwhelming, intense, it causes you to lose your head and it claws at your heart when you’re faced with the idea of its loss, taking chunks of yourself with it.

I count myself lucky to have experienced this in my lifetime. This heart-rendering love that makes you feel that you can handle anything in life with this person. The pain of loss is unbearable but I am lucky to have been given the privilege of the experience and I will not trade it for anything else.

I will always love you. Pinky promise.