“Strange what desire makes foolish people do,”
Well a lot has happened since my last post.
For one, I’m back in medicine for my last year of an internship. The last year didn’t go too well, not as smooth, it’s been rough. Illness, stress, accidents, personal issues…they’ve all been really horrible. But god, this month has been amazing.
I had the most amazing month with my boyfriend. Who is now coincidentally, my fiancé.
Let me tell you all the true story of how it happened.
We’d been talking about a life together for ages. We were pretty much on the same page in how much we cared for each other. We knew that we were each other’s life partner’s. Because it takes more than love to make a marriage work and we both had some insight into that. We recognised how we complemented each other and how it all just fit.
He keeps me grounded. Someone like me needs that. We have our ups and downs like every other relationship. And our downs can be pretty bad. But we’ve learnt from each other. We have seen each other’s dark sides, and recognised the weaknesses. We know what it takes for the other to cross the line. And our flaws have been exposed. Raw, vulnerable, out there for the other to see.
I have had some serious issues with vulnerability and intimacy. In a fit of passion, inspired by lots of alcohol, with a dollop of disinhibition, I did it. My partner had always said that if I wanted something doing my way, why not do it myself? And so I did.
So I got onto my knees and told my boyfriend how much I loved him. Yes, trust me to do everything differently. I got onto my knees, I looked at him right in the eye and I told him how he made me feel. He was my world, I love the person he is, his darkness included. It scared me but I can deal with it. I am stronger than most women are, emotionally. A lot of people would have crumbled under the issues I faced this year but not me. I took them on alone, with very little support and I did it. This is why I know that I can handle the anger and I can handle the hurt.
I finally opened up to the my partner and let him see me. My weaknesses, my inability to lose him, the level of how much I love him. How much I shared with him and let him into my life. I have fallen into this, hook, line and sinker. So much that it hurts me to admit. Because the last time I loved like this, I was broken. And it took years to fix.
I opened up. And I told my partner how much I loved him. And how losing him, would make me feel like my world had ended, as cliched as that sounded. And that there was no one else I’d rather be with.
“I’m feeling shyer”
I know he would have never been able to afford a diamond ring for myself. I told him it was fine and that I would wear the brass ring he got me as our engagement ring. It is made out of brass and has the letters ‘om’ on it, which sometimes looks a little like little hearts linked together. It’s gorgeous. And it was a statement to say that I don’t need money or the bling to keep me happy.
I did have a brief falter the next day because not many people thought I was engaged. I went to look for a diamond ring the next day so I wouldn’t have to explain it to the world. My fiancé thought I was embarrassed to show my ring off. I wasn’t. It just saved a lot of faff to keep explaining it to people who kept going ‘where’s the rock??’ Not many people have the time of the day to listen to our sap. But I then realised that I couldn’t give a flying fuck about explaining our love story to the world.
Money never mattered to me. I do place importance in buying jewellery. I prefer to pay a little bit more for gold that has better value and won’t tarnish as opposed to fake metal that differs only slightly in price and has no lasting effect. It is sadly mistaken for the vulgar appreciation of expensive things. And that is not the case.
So as it stands, I’m back in medicine, I’m engaged. My next battle is to remain in the country and be able to progress with life as usual.
Here’s to life, its many bizarre twists and turns, the stories we create, the brief moments in which it all seems futile and the lovely moments when it all makes sense again.
Here’s to a new life with my new family, my own unit.
So I’ve tinkered about with a new layout. It’s kinda what I’ve been looking for all this while, something with three columns, black, red and white. Matches some blogs in particular, aha! *cough*FTB*cough*
A lot has happened in the past few months. Lots that haven’t gone along as planned. Lets just say things have not been smooth. But time heals all wounds and I’m kinda on the path of recovery at the moment.
I am also kinda jobless! I was supposed to have started working but like I said, things don’t go as planned. Rest assured my job is waiting for me when I’m able to be back in action in the medical field once more.
Being away from medicine in this state is kinda liberating. You don’t realise how sucked into the world of medicine you are right until you’ve been given a huge jolt out of it, like I did. I’ve also managed to gain immense insight into the perspectives of people towards doctors and medicine in general. It’s not ideal – in my case, I’ve been exposed to all the bad and sordid details of it, i.e. hierarcy, don’t ever cross your boss etc. Which is funny considering the nature of medicine, it being very humane and all. You would think the mundane issues of bureaucracy should hardly matter in issues evolving around health and saving lives. But as long as human beings exist in an institution, these issues will arise. No matter how nobel or professional, a course/profession claims to be.
I have also managed to have some quality time with the Boyfriend which has helped a lot. Being in a long distance relationship has its downsides and given the hard year I’ve had, it has not been easy. So quality time is pretty much on the prescription list at this point. More photos to come soon.
But yes, I am back at blogging, more issues to come back up. Malaysia has indeed given me loads to write about and I’ve decided that I will not cower from local threats to my freedom of speech but push forward. There are things that need to be said and the power of the written word is tremendous.
Expect more stuff soon enough, folks. But for now, I go back to TV in bed with the Boyfriend.
Maybe sometimes, it’s just paying more attention to the people around you.
Today, I’ve realised that the people I care for do not show me the same amount of affection I invest in them.
But the people I’ve neglected? They’ve always cared. Even when I haven’t. And I haven’t been the best to them.
I’m sorry I never saw you when I had the chance. I’m sorry I was selfish. I guess I’m paying my penance now, and getting a taste of being with someone selfish.
I’m sorry I stopped caring. I really am.
To me? Cheating is when he flirts with another woman. If he had sex with her minus flirting, I could forgive it. But flirting, no no. Big mistake.
Everyone has different versions of what counts, I guess.
You are a mean man. You manipulate the emotions of others to suit the achievement of your agendas. And you stomp on the opportunistic to achieve your means.
I will do the same to you. And I will not fall for your childish mind games and wicked taunts.
Just you wait.