It really bugs me that after several thousands of years existing, the mystery between the sexes have still yet to be understood.
More often than I’ve wanted to have I heard stories from my girlfriends about the countless horrible habits of men.
“He doesn’t call,”
“He hasn’t texted back”
“I slept with him and now I haven’t heard from him,”
Sex is an interesting thing, isn’t it? It changes dynamics more than often. It is the eventual goal all men seek. Or have been programmed to seek, anyway, thinking about how it must have been way back in the cavemen days. And women are programmed to think that by finally sleeping with the guy, they have given them their precious virtue, the gift of Eden, the eternal flower – whatever bollocks you wanna call it. And once this gift has been given, we are programmed to think that things change. And in some cases they do! But again, I just think it’s a matter of perspective.
I once played out an experiment. I went out with this guy and had sex with him on our first date. It was an interesting endeavour to see what would happen to the dating dynamics. I liked what I saw and I went for it. None of that ‘holding back’ nonsense that some women like to apply. I used it as an icebreaker.
It was a remarkable experience for me, simply being that you get to know someone strange up close really quickly. Intimacy changes things, there is an exposure that strips off the front of the preliminary dating phase. Like a band-aid being ripped off. And then comes the ugly, oh-so quickly. Some would say it’s like cutting to the chase.
Unlike most women, I decided to not ever expect this guy to call me back. Why would he, he got laid. He was happy. Living by the rational of most women that men will never want anything off you if you give up the goodies so soon, I expected nothing from him. I went on to see more men and have more dates and really enjoy myself. And the most surprising thing happened.
This man, who could get any woman he wanted and had them literally throwing themselves at his feet/penis/whateveryouwannacallit, kept coming back. He texted every goddamned day. He would ring if I didn’t answer. He was perplexed! Puzzled! Why hasn’t this girl called me back??
The dynamics had swapped. Why though? If we both wanted the same thing – which was sex – why had this man suddenly gone all clingy on me? Surely that’s quite the woman thing to do!
I guess it goes to show that sometimes, just sometimes, people want a little more. And that if you fall into a predictable pattern of behaviour, you’re kinda asking for it. You get the expected. Break that pattern and maybe, just maybe, you could break the chain. Maybe girls, if you had sex because you WANTED to and not because you were giving him some kinda virtue, and then stopped acting like the clingy woman they expect you to turn into, maybe you’d break em.
I have thus applied this onto quite a lot of people I dated after and interestingly enough, it turns the odds in your favour.
There is a push-pull mechanism in every boy-girl relationship that has potential. Sometimes, you gotta stop pushing and withdraw. And when you do, the effects are ridiculous. And frankly, in my opinion, getting to be quite predictable now.
The other thing I have done, that has made me so much more happier with people and my life…
I have stopped expecting. I have stopped expecting to find someone who could really get me. I stopped expecting my close friends to have my interests at heart above selfish needs. I have stopped going the extra mile for those I hold close to me. I have begun to be selfish. Me, myself and I. It has been remarkably refreshing and very rejuvenating, actually. I have become a lot more comfortable in my own shell. I have had people throwing themselves at me, wanting to be more involved. I basically did this:
I get that it’s some times hard to be confident. I have days where mine isn’t brilliant. I tend to hide away and those close to me get a glimpse of it now and then. The insecure Ash often disappears pretty quickly. Because confident Ash is what gets me to places. Confident Ash is what gets me invites, a better quality of life, guys throwing themselves at my feet and appreciation – even though I get that I’m not exactly Victoria-secrets-material.
A while ago, I thought I desperately wanted to be married and have my own nest. My partner, a house – I felt the dire need to not be alone. I was feeling horrendously lonely despite being in a relationship, I felt I was not getting any attention from my boyfriend and I didn’t know where the relationship was going. My friends around me were moving on with their lives and I had come to a standstill. Everyone was either moving in together, getting engaged, married, children, the works. And where was I? In a long distance relationship with someone who had not expressed anything concrete about any longstanding commitments etc. I was depressed. I thought – hey, Ash, you’ve done it again. Attracted the kinda guy that just makes it relationship no. *insert number here*.
I was terrified about ending up alone, I was terrified of showing up at functions and have aunties look at me and go ‘well no wonder she’s single, she’s dark and fat! she’ll never get anyone!’ while all my fairer and slimmer counterparts were blissfully happy in whatever union function I had mistakenly thought I’d attend. Or have someone shove a man in my direction and say ‘he studies in UK too, you both should meet up!’. It really could go either way.
And then some women reach the age where the only available options made to them are the divorced or the ones that can’t seem to let go of mommy’s apron strings.
And for some reason, I was worried. I was worried I’d be alone all my life. But now, when I think of it, it’s not a bad idea. I am loving, my solitude. I have grown to enjoy it. I like having my own space, I don’t have to put up with families fighting with each other for stupid marriage issues either. I don’t have to worry about limiting myself to one man for the rest of my life. I am not tied down. I have endless opportunities laid out at me. I do not have to settle for anyone or anything! I am free to make my own choices with who I want to sleep with, where I want to go in the world, what I want to do with my life, and I am not bound by man, family or attachments.
I have the endless freedom I have always wanted. I can get into my car and drive to a different town at 3am in the night/morning should I want to. I owe nothing to anyone. It’s amazing.
And now that I’ve understood what that liberation means…I’m scared as fuck of settling down! I don’t want to! I don’t want to deal with families, weddings, comments, parents, commitment – jesus, it all seems like too much effort for a life that’s short and worth living. I want to be happy. And I’ve realised that I don’t need to be married to be happy. If anything, the M word seems to be sucking the happy out of life!
Some people are just not meant to be married. And I’m beginning to suspect that I’m one of them. I wonder if it’s really for me? I don’t think I’d do well with an eternally-binding-contract, where the only thing keeping 2 people together is law. I can’t even think of a coupled entity. I’m too comfortable being on my own.
It’s interesting because I was so upset, about not being able to move forward when actually, when the pressure was eliminated, I’ve realised that I don’t actually want it now. I’m only 27. I’ve got another 60 years to live. The majority of it doesn’t have to be spent shared with someone else!
Wow. I think its time for bed now.